State of Life

I spend a lot of time in Starbucks. Starbucks and I hang out Monday and Friday morning in Torrance, Tuesday and Thursday in Azusa, and Wednesday in Laguna Niguel. It was a strange realization that I am more aware of who works at Starbucks than I am of my neighbors at home. Strange.

This semester marks the middle and second half of my doctorate. It is also the most gruelling schedule I have had to maintain, leaving me exhausted by Friday. I have found that this semester I have asked the questions of "why" and "how" more often than any other semester in my academic career.

The question of "Why". Why do I do this, why did I choose this profession? Why a doctorate? Why this schedule. I have to say that I love what I do when I am with patients, when I am with those precious little children. Hearing the stories is often painful, but as horrible as the story is, to sit, to play, to laugh, to offer hope to parents is beautiful, is renewing, offers hope, to parents but also to me. It is for me, evidence of Christ at work.

The question of "how". How am I ever going to make it out of this program? That is asked far more often than I ever imagined. How am I going to get through the amount of work that I have? How am I going to ever complete my dissertation? I ask these questions often.

In my very narrow focus of school I have to say that God has been amazing. In a year where all budgets were cut Jeff was granted money for a full-time intern. Something desperately needed for the youth at our church, and for Jeff's sanity! I am TA'ing a class with an incredible professor that continues to provide me an opportunity to read material that I love - spiritual formation - and be reminded of Christ's work in my own life and the lives of students behind me. The girls that I work with at our church are being nice to each other - most of the time. They are showing up to small group regularly - they are invested. My prayer for them, answered. I have really funny friends, who although I rarely see, make me laugh and remind me of the days of having the time to just "be" with good people. I need to be reminded of these little things - which I so rarely take time to note.

Resolution?

Happy New Year!

Last night we returned from an amazing Christmas holiday. Every time I get to go home, I find it more and more difficult to return to So Cal - the mountains in the NW I think call my name.

At any rate - it is now 2007 and it seems that the talk is about resolutions. Now, I'm not one for a resolution as I unlikely to keep it. But I did want to tell you a story of someone else.

Today, I went to Costco. I was quite surprised with how quickly I made it through the time sucking mecca of a grocery store. Then came the check-out. With the lines being surprisingly short I wheeled my cart to the end of a line. As I stood - and waited the register proceeded to break, twice, so I had the opportunity to listen to several people's conversations around me. Several surprisingly were talking about their "resolutions". Just as I was about to become annoyed with my wait this boy, probably about 8 years old, glasses, collared shirt, you get the picture - announced proudly to his mother that his New Years resolution was "not to eat candy anymore". His mother chuckled just as his father approached their cart with an assorted box of candy bars. The boys response, in an annoyed voice, "Dad, I don't like those, I want Twix".

I wonder if he will keep his resolution?

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Finals have ended and we are home!! I am incrediably thankful to be here!

Finals marked the halway point for my doctorate! 3 Semester done, 3 to go! I am thrilled!

I created a special Christmas for you! Enjoy the Elfin wishes :)

Merry Christmas!

Finals

This time of year, for the last three years I have loved and I have hated. Here is why.

Love
1. Thanksgiving just happened - I saw family, I got away from regular life for a few days.
2. I know Christmas is coming which means I get to go to the NorthWest
3. Since Christmas is coming, that means the semester is ending, which means I'm one step closer to sanity.

Hate
1. Finals - several weeks of little sleep.
2. Finals - I usually end up getting sick
3. I am sick.

Girls...Women...Drama

Sunday afternoon I have small group. I meet 6 girls at the Starbucks right the beach for 1 hour of hangout and chat and then we move to the beach for one hour of some kind of bible study. Today, however, the time was spent listening to, and dealing with the girls DRAMA!

I love these girls a ton, but envy them little, I would go so far as to say not at all.

As I sat and listened to each one of them share their frustrations about the imperfections in their current friendships, and the dreams of the ways in which things should change in order for everybody to be happy. I offered them a few wise words of course - but mostly just listened. I thought of my own life, and am thankful for women who have chosen a fairly drama free life!

Then, I left my small group and came home (2 hours of drama later) and here, in my living room are the boys, yelling at each other and the t.v., where they were fighting out the problems of world through the storm troop para troopers on the Star Wars video game. Eating pizza, chips and salsa, cookies, and soda. They are so content, seemingly drama free.

I am thinking that instead of the regular small group we have at Starbucks, followed by a nice bible study on the beach, that I might change it to the Storm-Troopers. I wonder if would be a magical fix? Maybe all these girls need to make these relationships perfect is some pizza high in fat (which they would mention) and some video games were they can work out through the gruesome deaths of the animated figures all the problems in each of them carry. Perhaps it is the solution to all of this drama.

What do you think? Maybe we need an arcade of games designed for women -where they can pull each others hair, choose which high heals they will use as their instead of which gun. Games where they violently push buttons, and be aggressive in a "socially appropriate manner".

What do you think?

"Church"

This past weekend Jeff and I took 9 of the high school student from our church to CSM, LA.


Over the course of the weekend, the students were challenged in many ways (as were we). They did incredible work, with incredible hearts, and were a blessing to me, as well as so many others.

As I worked alongside these students, I thought a lot about the "Church". I will openly admit that I am very critical, even cynical of the "organized Church" these days. The 60 minute church service, that fits nicely into it's very perfect order of worship. The 5 point sermon, the 6 worship songs, the nice prayer, the friendly hello to my neighbor, the closing song, and the single-file lines out of building. I wonder, is this what we are called to as a community of believers, to sit in the pews for 60 minutes every Sunday morning?

I wonder if this is what the early church was like. Did they care as much as we do about these pieces of worship? I think about the apostles, about their travels, about Paul's letters. I think about the stories of meals shared. I wonder about the conversation of the people around those tables. What was talked about? What stories were shared? What ministry was planned? What prayer was said?

This weekend, as I sat with and walked with these students, as they asked hard questions, as they struggled, as we struggled together, I could feel the presence of God. This weekend, with this group of students, this was Church.

Sermons were preached by the unexpected, a man in recovery who gave us a tour, a homeless woman we shared breakfast with, men we served meals alongside at the Midnight Mission. These people preached sermons about God's incrediable power, love, and grace that these students (and I) will never forget. This was Church.

I am tired of "church". I want to be part of a Church that goes, a church that is a community, a church that strggles together, a church that rejoices together, a church that serves others, that takes care of it's body, a church that loves. I want to be in worship, I want to be in worship that is Spirit-led, worship that isn't perfect, that broken strings on a guitar isn't a crisis but rather an opportunity for something else. I want to meet over meals and cups of coffee. To sit in a way where we see each other's faces and not the backs of heads.

Perahps it's unrealistic, perhaps it's only a dream, but now it's my prayer.

Friday Morning's

Friday mornings from 7 to 8:30 I spend across the street from Harbor UCLA at Starbucks. For those of you who do not know what Harbor is, it is one of UCLA’s training hospitals, located in Torrance, California. I am working there this year as part of my training for my doctorate in clinical Psychology. The hospital serves primarily a very low income population. I have begun to really enjoy my early mornings at the Starbucks across the street, the people watching tends to be fascinating.

As you can imagine, Starbucks is a bustling place Friday mornings. I think every doctor, surgeon, and nurse might actually walk through the doors or drive through the drive through to pick up their morning “fix”. The parking lot is full of cars, BMW’s, Mercedes, Lexus, etc. Nice, run of the mill expensive cars.

Inside the ‘Bucks are primarily students, residents, interns, with big textbooks, laptops, highlighters poised, and ready for the next amazing sentence read. Stress runs high, nobody talks, sometimes a smile and an odd hello. We are all familiar with each other, but don’t know each other at all.

Outside, it’s a different tone. I watch the people outside and have to admit I think I am a bit jealous.

Outside there is a man, he is always there, probably mid-50’s, maybe homeless, maybe not. He sits near the front door. Often says hello. Generally comments on people’s outfits, and lets you know when he finds your attire to be well put together. Not in the gross checking you out kind of way. More just a kind, honest, “you look nice today”.

Then there is a woman, probably early 30’s. African American woman, she is here most mornings. She reminds me of young child most of the time, every morning she approaches someone, and in this very innocent, childlike way asks some groggy pre-caffinated individual if they will buy her a cup of coffee. This morning, it was almost my turn, but she caught the woman before me. I’ve watched this exchange now for several months, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody turn her down. This is how it unfolds:

The response, no matter who it is generally the same,
Individual: “Ummm, what? Yeah, I guess”

The woman follows them into Starbucks.
Manager: “Ma’am, you need to go outside, unless you are going to buy something. Stop bothering customers”.

The person gets to the front of the line, they make their order, on the end of their order,
Individual: “Oh, and a tall cup of coffee”
Starbucks employee: “which drip did you want?”
Individual: “whatever, it doesn’t matter”

The individual pays, drops the coffee off at the lady’s table outside, with the locals. The individual usually says nothing. The lady smiles, like a kid smiles when you give them a sucker. The lady sits, content, and drinks her coffee, like a kid enjoys a sucker. She enjoys every sip, gets to the bottom of her coffee, looks inside to make sure it is all gone, and then sits, happy. Obviously, very happy.

Over the course of my hour here, I watch the people come and go inside and outside. Outside they all know each other’s names. They say hello. They chat, they laugh, and they often talk about treatment. Their recent ailments, sometimes it is about a doctor, sometimes it is about their recovery from various addictions, or diseases. No matter the topic it is real. The talk openly, they talk honestly. They talk about their pain and their suffering, they listen to each other, they give advice, they laugh, a lot, and sometimes even cry.

I watch them out there, through the walls of windows, and think about my own life, think about my world inside, compared to their world outside. I’m surrounded people that are like me, learning to use big words in sentences, learning to be professional, all on the perceived road to success, “doctors”. I wonder about that word “doctor” what does it really mean?

I long for the outside, but I enjoy the luxury and safety of the inside. I want both. Can I have it all? The last several years, I have had to sacrifice a lot, much of that sacrifice has been of my friends, my community. I talked to a good friend last night. I miss that. I miss her, I miss people like her, I miss my “outside”. I think it’s time to go back “outside”.

Bumper Sticker

So today, I walked across campus, through the parking lot, and noticed an interesting bumper sticker proudly displayed on the back of an SUV, it said this:

If you are not outraged, then you are not paying attention.

What exactly should one be continually outraged about?

Why blog?